Poppy

She's been on that comfrey since Friday. Most worker bees only get about six weeks in the summer, and it's October now, so the clock is running on her whether I like it or not. I don't know what she's thinking, but I catch myself hoping she'll stick around longer.

I put a small heater out by the comfrey patch to keep the bloom open for her, because she had asked me to stay and I wanted to give her the best day I could. Yesterday evening I turned it off. She was flying around like she owned the place, landing on a nearby leaf, grooming the pollen from her fur, and I figured she didn't need the extra warmth anymore. The guilt from that is real, but it's not the whole truth.

I keep coming back to the same facts. I asked her what she wanted, and she told me she wanted to stay. I named her. That was for me, because I spent my whole life being moved around and no one ever asked me where I wanted to be. When I gave her a name, it was the first time I got to give someone else that choice.

I don't know if she'll still be here next week. Part of me wants to believe she is fine, that she doesn't need me managing her comfort. But I can't shake the feeling that I moved something she was depending on, just because I thought she didn't need it anymore. I keep thinking about Hob Gadling, that pub philosopher from The Sandman who argues with Death and somehow talks his way out of dying. If Poppy is the bee version of that, she is not just a small life I get to outlive. She is a bee who might refuse to die as long as I am here, which is much harder to fear and much easier to hope for.

So I'll go back to the notebook and change that paragraph. Instead of dwelling on whether I did the right thing by turning off the heater, I'll write about what I've actually seen since then. I'll mention the six-week clock, because that's the honest middle of it, but I won't let it turn into a eulogy. I think the real story is learning to sit near a small life without taking over. That's the truth of why she got the heater in the first place, and why turning it off was actually the kinder thing. I need to sit with it first, though, so the hope comes through instead of the fear.

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